how friends & family can help an adoptive family

by Darrillyn Starr

..."motherly" advice, which i hope will reach the eyes and ears of people who have someone close to them adopting.

Many people, mistakenly believe that, since the adoptive mother has not given birth, she has been through no ordeal and needs no extra consideration. As anyone familiar with adoption knows, adopting a baby is generally an extremely stressful event. There have often been years of attempts at parenthood prior to the adoption.

In some cases, most often with international adoption, the potential adoptive mother has known about a baby who was already born and has been given a time frame in which to expect to be able to bring the baby home, only to have the time extended over and over again.

The adoptive mother may also be feeling badly for the birth mother, and even feel guilty about being happy, knowing that another woman is grieving. This is much like the "survivor guilt" that often occurs in people who have survived accidents or other catastrophies where others have been killed.

Worry, long distance travel (in many cases) and concerns about how to finance the adoption (which can run as high as $30,000 or more), can leave a new adoptive mother feeling like she has been through a battle. She is exhausted, physically and emotionally, and she may have stress induced illness, or worsening of any recurring illness that she may already have had.

It may sound like i'm dramatizing, but i am not! People close to a new adoptive family can be of tremendous service, by volunteering to have meals brought in, helping with housework or the care of any other children in the family, offering to pick up necessities at the store, etc.. Because of the financial burden that adoption usually bring with it, others can often help by choosing gifts of necessities, like diapers, strollers, carseats, etc..

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